Normal-ish

I’m back on the bike! And it feels SO GOOD! This was the view from Friday’s ride before starting a most spectacular descent. (Then we got turned around trying to find our way out of the mess of trails at the end and got an extra hour of cardio in.)

Sunday afternoon, I rode a trail I’ve never ridden before. A friend took a shot of me riding a loose chute and of course nothing looks nearly as steep and committing in photos as it does in real life, but I was definitely a little nervy as evidenced by terrible body position and hanging off the back of the bike.

While the shoulder niggles still, the brain is screaming on high alert.
“TOO SCARY!” she says.
“TOO RISKY! You could hit that tree! Or wash out there! Or catch a pedal there!”
I want to tell her, “I KNOW! Now STFU and buckle up the big girl pants to ride!” but I don’t.
I am frustrated by the brain. I know all the features I’m walking around are things I am capable of riding, and riding well. I know they are comparable to things I have ridden before. And yet.
And yet.
I suppose self-preservation isn’t all bad.
But the little trembling chihuahua in my brain is.

Monday Night Rides had the benefit of pushing me to ride things that were scary. I was often the only girl, and the weakest rider. Everyone was showing me how to ride things, and stoked for me when I did. But lately, I’ve been hanging back. Walking things or taking the ride-arounds on things I’ve ridden before. Why? Because it’s all in my head.

It will come, they say. The confidence will come back. Just keep riding.

Keep riding the hard stuff, because if you’re not continually looking down something steep, it starts to get scary again.

But instead, I think, it’s too much adrenaline right now, so I go to the airbag and practice tricks. The airbag is an absolute joy with very little consequence.

Here’s a fuzzy screenshot from a video, but I managed to get the 1 footers down. (That’s me! With my right foot decidedly not on the bike! While in the air! And I got it back on in time before landing!)
I managed a few no-footers too, but not consistently. And managed a seat grab and tire grab and all round felt like I accomplished something. I also met this woman who is not only gorgeous with really great teeth, but friendly/famous AND an absolute shredder and she complimented me on the one-hander I did, then outlined the steps to do a Tbog, but um.. I’m working on step two. And it feels like there’s a pretty big gap between step two and three.

I also haven’t been reading anything but patient files and legal reports so I haven’t been able to write anything. Well, anything good. Or anything that doesn’t read like a medicolegal report or an irritated email to some poor receptionist who has nothing to do with it, and then trying to soften it at the end because it’s not her fault a firm is sending files 500 pages more than advertised a week late. It’s not her fault I have to sit here all weekend and review files while I fail at being a mother and give my children over to Minecraft and Taylor Swift music videos.

Sigh. That is all.